I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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