Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.

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(218): I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted. http://tfl.nu/x30k

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(661): View more from California

i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.

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(661): i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally. http://tfl.nu/2rgg

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(256): we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it. http://tfl.nu/bdg5

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(860): Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message. http://tfl.nu/jwe9

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.

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(618): Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point. http://tfl.nu/67dv

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(415): View more from California

It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.

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(415): It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner. http://tfl.nu/rtus

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.

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(201): Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom. http://tfl.nu/isil

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.

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(617): did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now. http://tfl.nu/raep

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(609): View more from New Jersey

sleazy september. first one with mono loses.

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(609): sleazy september. first one with mono loses. http://tfl.nu/eipu

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(214): View more from Texas

There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

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(214): There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me. http://tfl.nu/ecsp

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(514): View more from Quebec

bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.

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(514): bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister. http://tfl.nu/visn

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(812): View more from Indiana

I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.

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(812): I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend. http://tfl.nu/7cvr

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(214): View more from Texas

I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.

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(214): I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS. http://tfl.nu/qjb8

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.

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(403): I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture. http://tfl.nu/2295

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide

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(570): You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide http://tfl.nu/eycj

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