So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
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woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
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I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?