yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?