Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"