At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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