Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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