spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
