The maid of honor just puked.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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