Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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