her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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