I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
