I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
