They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
