I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
