I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
