Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
