I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
