Well douche your snatch and let's go!
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
