he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
