There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
