the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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