you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Please, let me fuck your mom
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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