I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
