$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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