The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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