Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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