my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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