Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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