I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
