Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
