i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
