I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
