I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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