when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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