You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
