I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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