so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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