Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
