also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
