Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
