You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
