he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
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In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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