My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
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She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
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And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme