Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.