the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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