We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
