Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
