You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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