you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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