I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
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