Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
