Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
