you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I could fuck to npr.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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