FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
