respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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