Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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