There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
