I cockslap morals
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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